Poetry = LOVE 4 EVA

So I have a darling boyfriend (Harry) who I had the opportunity of spending my Valentine's Day with, which we spent working and doing homework and watching bits of Clue for the 5th time in the last week (though I did make steak with a chocolate sauce, because CHOCO=LOVE). However, I am an English major and therefore have a soft spot for poetry and the romantic. So, in honor of this national acknowledgement of passion, I decided to make a bit of effort and recite some poetry to Harry for Valentine's Day. I picked this perfect little gem from Dickinson's collection.

The Heart asks Pleasure - first -

And then - excuse from Pain -

And then - those little Anodynes

That deaden suffering -

And then - to go sleep -

And then - if it should be

The will of it's Inquisitor

The privilege to die -

Harry didn't respond well to the poem, which confused me. I thought that reading poetry was romantic and lovely? Maybe it was the fact that I was dying of laughter the entire time I was reciting it, but I guess I'll never know for sure.

I decided to play the song "Stranger" by Billy Joel right afterward to cheer him up, insisting that this beautiful song really spoke volumes about our relationship, but he didn't seem to appreciate that one either.

So I bought him chocolates and everyone's happy. HURRAY LOVE

1 score minus 19 years ago...

About a year ago I invented the word "dictator-tots."

I am a genius.

I Hate Social Ads.

I know it makes sense, but it actually freaks me out that facebook analyzes your interests to determine which ads appeal to you. At least I'm assuming that's what it's doing, as it targets me with Zelda and Final Fantasy ads a lot of the time. But knowing that the ads are supposed to appeal to me makes it so I'm really pissed and offended when an ad pops out that is totally NOT for me. So the other day during the Chicago Blizzard of 2011, I spent over an hour exiting all of the ads on my facebook and explaining in detail why I found these ads to be unsatisfactory. I figured, facebook keeps calling these Godforsaken things "social ads," and so I took this opportunity to be social and talk to the ads myself.

And now for a blog adaptation of what I wrote. And by adaptation, I mean I copy and pasted almost everything, though I did have to recreate a couple from memory.

Ad: Kim Kardashian's ugly shoe dazzle survey ad

Response: I've actually attempted to do this stupid survey twice before, and it forces you to pick what you'd be most likely to wear out of a collection of hideous shoes and bags, then is supposed to suggest to you what kind of horrible ugly stripper shoes you should purchase. Not to mention, I never even got to know what stripper Tanya should be wearing because it forces you to sign up for something to get the results, which was somehow still disappointing because after all that work you sort of just want to know what the results are regardless of whether or not they interest you.

Ad: THE SAME FUCKING KIM KARDASHIAN SHOE AD AFTER I SAID NO

Response: Oh my god, did I literally not just 45 seconds ago bash this stupid worthless ugly shoe ad? I THINK I DID. So facebook, stop pretending like you are taking my preference into consideration when even after I hit that little X indicating NO! I DO NOT WANT THIS! you still put the stupid ad back on my page the SECOND I hit refresh. FASCISTS

Ad: Modcloth (originally I exited this ad, but instead of clicking "Other" as the reason for disliking the ad [which is the only way you can write a response], I had clicked "Repetitive." Then of course it showed up again immediately after.)

Response: I SAID THIS SHIT WAS REPETITIVE!! Really, thank you for proving my point, but get this shit out of here! I already visit modcloth biweekly and never buy anything so what is this ad going to do! NOTHING!!!!!!!!

Ad: Weightwatchers

Response: Dude, not cool. It's like I post a new profile picture and if facebook doesn't like it, up come the weight loss ads. Maybe an ad for weight loss isn't the best way to inform me that I have a weight problem. And what makes you think that a weight loss ad is going to make me realize I desperately need to slim down? Because it doesn't. Especially not when the next ad is covered in fucking CUPCAKES (see below). Anyway, STOP CALLING ME FAT!

Ad: I don't remember, something about city deals (probably a city I don't live in), but all I remember is that the main image was a bunch of delicious looking cupcakes.

Response: Do you want me to lose weight or what?

Ad: Don't remember...something about moms, and possibly daycare.

Response: Is this another blow on my self esteem? Is all this "mom" shit because I look pregnant IE FAT?!

Ad: NYC Bucket List

Response: 365 things to do in New York City before I die? I feel like they're just telling me that I'm going to die in a year. And I've always been the kind of person that doesn't want to know when I'm going to die because I don't want it to affect my life decisions. Now I have to travel to Dubai, bang Bruce Willis, dunk myself into a vat of radioactive goo to see what powers I get (possibly powers that will save my life?!), have a threesome AND eat a blowfish before the year is over! GODDAMN YOU! Also, I don't live in New York!

Ad: Ayza Wine and Chocolate Bar

Response: THIS TRULY PISSED ME OFF! I was like, oh cool, an ad that actually looks interesting because it implies free booze and snacks, so I actually went to the website to see what it was all about and GUESS WHAT IT'S IN FUCKING NEW YORK AGAIN STOP CRUSHING MY DREAMS

Ad: Rosetta Stone

Response: ENGLISH IS ENOUGH!!!!

UNTIL LATER! Goodbye.

And now I'm looking at a list of the 11 most awesome beds.

I made this blog to talk mostly about all of the things in this world I hate in hopes that my angry words will inspire laughter in others and I can feel successful in a social yet totally non-social capacity, so I was originally going to name the blog "Hate Club" and have my logo be a giant sandwich of shit I detest (get it?! like a CLUB sandwich! a HATE CLUB sandwich!!!!). But then I decided NO, that shit is NOT FUNNY ENOUGH, so I named it Future Bedtime Stories instead. Which still isn't funny.

The point is, I started googling pictures of beds to inspire my title image, and what happened?! I typed in "bed" and suddenly got like 5 pictures of beds that look like fucking SANDWICHES!!!!!

So now I am full of regret.

EDIT: Okay, so I've got the words "future" and "sandwich" both floating around in my mind, but do you think they'll ever invent a toaster-like device where you put the bread in and sandwiches pop out?